“Are the board drunk?”: the funniest questions to the manager assistant

Every ELDT manager has an Assistant: a coaching aide who knows the squad, the cash, the table and the game rules, and who you can ask anything over chat. Some use it to pick their starting XI; others just to let off steam.

We’ve rounded up some of the funniest (and most useful) questions managers have asked, without naming them, together with the replies they got.

"Are the board drunk when they’re already asking me to get promoted?"

That’s the complaint of every newly arrived manager. The board sets season targets and, at times, they can feel a bit ambitious. One manager couldn’t keep it in and asked the Assistant whether the board were drunk.

"Haha, they’re not drunk: they’re asking you to get promoted because that’s one of the season targets."

It then spelled out the four targets: get promoted, reach the play-offs, have a squad with a rating above 8 and finish the season with a positive balance. And it gave a reason not to slack off: promotion pays, and pays well.

What you need to know: targets aren’t random. Hitting them boosts the board’s confidence and brings in money and reputation. You don’t have to complete all of them, but you do need to be up there fighting.

"I hired an elite scout and he hasn’t brought me in a single youngster"

Another manager splashed out on the best scout on the market and was expecting youth prospects straight away. The Assistant calmed him down:

"Even though you’ve hired an elite scout, he still hasn’t generated any candidates for you. Let it run for another week and check the Academy again."

What you need to know: scouts take time. Finding youngsters doesn’t happen overnight, and the scout has to be active, not just hired.

"What do I do first: staff, concessions or youngsters?"

The million-dollar question for any manager starting out with money in the bank. One manager asked the Assistant to rank his priorities, and the answer was crystal clear:

"I’d do youngsters first: you’ve got a clear gem with good potential, and that’s where the long-term value is. Second, staff, but not all at once: first the ones who improve training and recovery. Third, concessions."

What you need to know: the Assistant looks at your club in particular. Another manager, with a different academy, might get a different order.

"How do I get more fans?"

The eternal question for any small club. The Assistant was straight to the point: what shifts the dial most is winning and staying high in the table.

"What moves the dial most is winning and staying up there. If you want to grow your fans quickly, keep the run going and aim to fight at the top: that brings you more supporters than spending money blindly."

It also added a few other levers: good runs in the league and cup, hiring press and marketing, not pricing the tickets too high, and later on, expanding the stadium.

"If I’m stronger, do I go on the attack?"

Even tactical questions get a bit of attitude. A manager who was coming in as the favourite asked whether it was better to attack or to stay balanced.

"If you’re stronger, it’s better to go more on the attack. I’m not saying throw caution to the wind, but don’t be timid either. Don’t play balanced out of habit: if you’re stronger, go and impose yourself."

An assistant who knows your club

What makes the Assistant so valuable is that it doesn’t fire out stock lines: it looks at your cash, your squad, your players’ fatigue and the table before answering. That’s why it’s so useful for newcomers and for those who’ve been around for seasons too.

Want your own Assistant? Create your club at eldt.com.ar and ask it whatever you like. Even whether the board are drunk.